Masked Goodness: the way society normalizes lying

The concept of “Masked Goodness” is one that I’ve never heard explicitly named, and so I’ve coined it in an effort to capture the normalization of lying we as a Western, white, American society have adopted. It’s similar in nature to another term I’ve coined and used, called “Masked Wellness.”

So what exactly is “Masked Goodness”? Masked Goodness is the idea that society expects us to be “good,” “nice,” “happy,” or “pleasurable” all the time. Masked Goodness goes hand in hand with people-pleasing. Psychology Today defines someone who engages in people-pleasing as “a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of [their] own needs or desires” (PsychologyToday, 2020). For Autists, Masked Goodness is so ingrained in us that it can be difficult to stop masking, even when alone. Personally, it took me close to 25 years to realize I was masking at all, let alone that I was doing it all the time, even when I was by myself where no one could see or hear me.

Masked Goodness can be incredibly dangerous and explains why so many Autistic people are more likely to be survivors of child abuse, sexual violence, and intimate partner violence (Spectrum News, 2018). The masked performance of moral goodness is linked to abuse because it teaches us to not listen to our body’s wisdom, our intuition, and to become compliant to others out of fear. A 2022 NIH study even found that 9 out of 10 Autistic women have been victims of sexual violence. That is an alarming statistic demonstrating that 90% of Autistic women report experiencing sexual assault, and that does not take into account those survivors who choose not to report. Personally, back in the day when I engaged in sexual relations with cisgender and heterosexual men, every single one of my encounters was not consensual in some way or another. Every. Single. One.

This statistic of violence against Autistic people only increases among Autistic people with further marginalized identities, such as Black and Brown people, and queer and trans people. Embrace Autism has a 2020 article detailing “why being Black and autistic is doubly dangerous.” This writer goes on to explain that, “Black autistics have a compounded susceptibility to violence. Racist attitudes combined with ableism and misunderstanding autistic behavior, such as stimming, leads to unnecessary harm or death.” There is still not enough research in existence on the intersections of Autism with other marginalized identities, but through listening to people in the community describe their lived experience, it is undeniable that the violence and brutalization is rampant.

It is also important to note that the more marginalized intersections an identity has, the more harm this person is likely to experience. For example, someone who is Autistic, Black, transgender, and queer, is statistically more likely to experience greater violence than a white, cisgender, straight, Autistic person. Ventour-Griffiths writes a lot about the Black and Autistic experience; he wrote, “In a world where Black/autistic people’s bodies are still devalued, masking and codeswitching are necessary where we are pressured to choose between happiness or survival. And for Black autists and / or neurodivergents especially, I know I do not need emphasise the severity of living on a multi-pronged axis of oppression.”

Finally, Masked Wellness is similar to Masked Goodness, and just as dangerous. Masked Wellness is a term I created and it is the idea that disabled and sick people hide the severity of our illnesses, or we hide the fact that we are disabled at all. This is something I discovered in the last year when attempting to get on SSI disability benefits. The disability lawyer I work with explained to me that it is crucial that my providers have all the details of my daily struggles in their notes, as this is used as evidence in my disability case. I was advised to start taking notes on my day-to-day symptoms and struggles, which is especially important as someone who has issues with working memory (a common symptom of Autism, ADHD, and C/PTSD).

In my following appointments, I had the stark realization that I had been masking wellness with my providers for my whole life. Once I was required to be honest about how much I struggle in daily life, I had to stop pretending I was okay with my providers. After I started to remove the mask of wellness and goodness in appointments with providers, my doctors noted that my conditions were rapidly declining. However, this wasn’t true. I was struggling all the same; I just made an effort to stop smiling through it to make people feel good in my presence as I struggled. Other people feeling good in my presence requires me to hide my struggles, which inherently harms me.

Masked Wellness requires me to not talk about my struggles. Masked Wellness requires me to hide all my disability symptoms.The weird thing with masking is, I don’t necessarily even realize it is happening a lot of the time, and I had no idea I was playing the role of a healthy, happy individual with all my doctors. For reference, I have Autism, ADHD, CPTSD, POTS, EDS, IBS, and some other unidentified chronic health conditions. I would have conversations with my providers for years about my symptoms connected to these issues, such as chronic pain, severe anxiety, daily dizziness and fainting, daily vomiting, extreme fatigue, daily brain fog, executive dysfunction, to name a few, but I’d always downplay the severity of my symptoms and end each session with a smile making sure the provider felt good in my presence. I was an entertainer, putting on this little performance to make my doctors smile. How bizarre. Writing this out now, it is wild how absurd this sounds.

This was something I was not even aware I was doing, and I still do as it is unconscious to me and deeply ingrained in my psyche. This phenomenon is so dangerous because it makes it difficult or nearly impossible to get the proper care I need and be taken seriously about my illnesses. I can only imagine that this experience of Masked Wellness is doubly dangerous for Black Autistic and otherwise disabled folks who have to deal with medical racism on top of regular ableism. This concept of Masking Wellness also manifests within myself; for years I’d downplay my symptoms so much so that even I didn’t realize how much I was struggling. This is a result of my varied complex trauma from peers, families, adults, and doctors in childhood telling me that I “complained too much” when I shared my pain or called me “dramatic” or “self-involved” when I cried out for help. Over time, I learned to hide my disability from those around me, including myself. Not only did my childhood caretakers neglect my medical needs, but gradually I learned to do so too.

These two masks of wellness and goodness work together to uphold one another, and to ensure that my needs are never met. These masks worked as a protective method for most of my life because after experiencing chronic dismissal of my pain, I learned it was easier to pretend it wasn’t there than to be rejected from receiving proper care one more time. These masks also prevent people who hurt me from being accountable to harm, because as long as we pretend everything is good and well, there is no way to come forward with the truth. If we are not honest, our abusers get away with no consequences. I subconsciously developed these masks after experiencing every single adult in my life dismiss my pain and struggle, neglect my medical needs, and even demonize me for crying out in pain.

Despite my traumatic upbringing, I am grateful for the way my life transpired. Without these experiences I would not be the self-actualized version of myself today who thrives on truth-telling and truth-seeking, who tears through the commonplace lies so many find comfort in. I adore delving below the surface of every discomfort I face, and I trust my intuition to guide me where I need to be. I know that my radical honesty creates waves of change that affect myself and others in ways unbeknown to me, and I hope my writing brings a newfound truth into your life too.