When to Teach Social Norms to Autistic Kids

When I talk to parents of autistic kids, especially those whose children are entering adolescence, a common worry I hear is: “How much should I be stepping in?” We want our kids to be independent and self-directed. We also want them to be socially connected, safe, and confident. For autistic kids, who often don’t absorb social expectations through osmosis the way neurotypical kids might, it can be a real balancing act.

So the question becomes: When do we step in with explicit social instruction, and how do we do it without squashing their autonomy or accidentally communicating that something about them is wrong?

This is something I talked about recently with a client of mine, Jenny, whose teenage son is smart, kind, and autistic. He’s also navigating the chaos of summer break, managing sensory sensitivities at swim team, and experiencing some tricky peer dynamics. He’s mostly happy: he loves video games and drawing, and has some friends he games with. But Jenny was feeling unsure about how to support his social growth without overstepping.

Here are the core takeaways from our conversation, and the things I think all parents of autistic teens should know:

1. Autistic Kids Deserve Explicit Instruction With Consent and Compassion

There’s a myth that social skills are just “picked up” over time, and many autistic folks do pick up on social cues from other autistic people. However, we don’t intuitively notice or prioritize the same social cues that neurotypical people do. That doesn’t mean we can’t learn them, but it does mean we often need to be taught them directly, and in a way that doesn’t shame us for being different.

Explicit instruction might sound like:

• “If someone invites you to hang out and you say no a few times, they might assume you’re not interested, unless you tell them otherwise.”
• “If you want to keep in touch with someone from camp, you probably need to get their number on the last day. People forget after that.”
• “When someone says Hi and you don’t respond, they might think you’re upset with them, even if you’re just distracted.”

None of these are criticisms. They’re tools. They’re information autistic kids deserve to have access to, so they can make informed choices about how they show up in relationships.

2. Timing and Method Matter

It’s not just what you say, it’s how and when. Jenny pointed out something really insightful: her son shuts down if he feels like something is a demand. So we talked about offering social education the same way we might talk about puberty or health: openly, honestly, and with some notice.

For example, she might say:

• “Hey, sometime today I’d like to check in about making friends at camp. Do you want to talk now or after dinner?”
• Or leave a sticky note: “Birthday’s coming up, want to invite anyone? If yes, we could start reaching out this week.”

Sometimes it helps to bring up these topics while walking or driving, when there’s no pressure for eye contact. Sometimes you need to let a kid come back to the conversation in their own time. That’s okay. The goal is to make the door open and keep it open.

3. Support Through Transitions Will Build Success

Many of us struggle with transitions, even more so when those transitions are sensory-heavy or socially demanding. For kids like Jenny’s son, getting to his daily swim practice might be harder than the practice itself.

We talked about building in:

• Clear expectations: “You don’t have to swim, but you do need to go and be present. You can sit out, take photos, or just hang out, but we’re showing up.”
• Predictable routines: “Every morning, we pack the bag, grab a snack, and head to the pool. What happens there is up to you.”
• Tangible supports: checklists, physical reminders, even simple scripts like “I need a break” or “I’m cold and want to work on something different.”

Jenny was already doing an incredible job scaffolding transitions for her son at the swim meet. She talked to the coach about adding a photography role for her son, helped her son find a buddy to sign up with, and thought ahead about how to support his regulation during the hard parts. These kinds of adaptations aren’t “cheating.” They’re access tools.

4. Friendship Maintenance Needs to Be Taught, Too

So often, we assume kids know how to read other peoples’ cues. But the double empathy problem strikes again: many of us have the skills to understand the facial expressions and body language of other autistic folks, but not with neurotypical people. Jenny told me about how her son was left behind at a youth group scavenger hunt. He told a friend he was using the bathroom and came out to find everyone gone. No one had noticed.

Jenny wasn’t sure if her son even realized how not-okay that was. And that’s the key: he might not know. He might not know what it meant. Or he might know exactly what it meant and be trying not to feel it.

So what do we do? We talk about it, gently, with care and with room for his own interpretation.

That might sound like:

• “Hey, that seemed pretty hard. Do you want to talk about how that felt?”
• “I think it was really uncool that they left you. You deserved better.”
• If something like that ever happens again, here are some things you can try…”

This isn’t about telling our kids to be more likable. It’s about helping them understand the social systems around them and giving them the tools to navigate those systems if and when they want to.

5. Offer Advocacy Skills Early and Often

One of the most empowering things we can do is teach our kids how to advocate for themselves even if they’re not ready to use those skills yet.

This might include:

• Helping them identify and name their own needs: “When I’m shivering, I can get out of the pool.”
• Teaching scripts for common scenarios: “Can I sit this one out?” or “I need a quiet space.”
• Giving them choices about disclosure: “Do you want to tell the coach you’re autistic, or would you rather just ask for what you need directly?”

We talked about how some kinds of support can be offered without a diagnostic label. For example, instead of saying, “My kid is autistic,” a parent might say, “He needs help remembering names. Can you use the same nickname each time?” or “He might need extra time to warm up to the group, but once he’s in, he’s all in.”

Being known and seen for who we are can change a kid’s whole experience of a space. But letting them decide how much they want to be known gives them agency.

6. Self-Acceptance and Cultural Fluency Can Coexist

Jenny said something really poignant toward the end of our conversation: “I want that difference to be delightful and celebrated.” Yes, absolutely, that’s the dream!

Teaching autistic kids about neurotypical social norms isn’t the same as trying to make them non-autistic. It’s about giving them the option to choose how they want to engage, when, and with whom. It’s about supporting them to build the lives they want, with the skills they need.

I like to think of it as cultural competency. Our kids are bicultural. They live in autistic culture and in broader society. And just like any other cross-cultural experience, they deserve the language, tools, and support to navigate both worlds with confidence and pride.

If you’re reading this and wondering if you’re doing enough, if you’re stepping in too much or not enough, let me say this: if you’re asking those questions, you’re probably doing just fine.

Trust that your kid is growing and learning. Trust that your presence, your thoughtfulness, your commitment to supporting them with love, is the foundation that will hold them steady as they figure out who they want to become.

You don’t have to know all the answers. You just have to keep showing up.