Sophia KHello wonderful humans! This blog comes from a reader request about navigating routines when you experience persistent drive for autonomy—you probably heard it as the acronym PDA or pathological demand avoidance. Let’s dive into this together with understanding, acceptance, and practical strategies that actually work for our uniquely-wired brains.
Contents
What is PDA?
First things first – let’s talk about what a PDA really means. We usually hear it referred to as pathological demand avoidance, but I’ve come to learn about an alternative term over the course of 2022 that I prefer instead: persistent drive for autonomy. It’s not being “difficult” or “oppositional” (yuck, ableist much?). Instead, it’s an intense need for personal agency and control over your choices, often accompanied by an automatic resistance to expectations – even ones you set for yourself. When we reframe it and consider the paradigm that neurodivergent people are navigating, we are controlled, told how to act, encouraged to mask even if it harms us, and accommodate others in our life. Technically, it makes sense why some of us might push back against more demands on us. Think of it like having an internal freedom fighter who’s always on guard, protecting your right to choose. Pretty amazing when you think about it, right?
Why Traditional Routines Often Don’t Work
If you’re nodding along thinking, “Yes! This is why I can’t stick to schedules!” – you’re not alone. Me too.
Traditional advice about rigid schedules and “just do it” approaches can feel suffocating when you need a PDA to regain a sense of control over your life. Your brain’s automatic response might be “Nope, not happening!” even when it’s something you genuinely want to do.
The reasons for this can vary from the pressure cooker effect where every task has a specific time slot and create a sense of being trapped. For instance, when you’ve already had a demanding home life between getting kids to school on time, cooking meals, making sure the house is clean–adding one more task, even when it’s something that you want to do like crocheting or journaling, just feels like it’s too much for our nervous system to handle.
Similarly, we may also struggle with internalised ableism where we have to be perfect in completing the task or even with task initiation that we become frozen in the all-or-nothing mindset. For instance, if you feel that you would really like to sit down and just read some fiction, you might start thinking that you need a specific time frame in order to read one full chapter. Or, if you’re like me, at least get to a page that ends in a period so I’m not picking the book back up in the middle of a sentence. This sometimes means that I won’t engage with reading at all because I’m stuck in being ‘perfect’ about howI read completely missing the point that the act of reading is to calm my nervous system in the first place.
Gentle strategies for building your own flow
Now, look. It might seem impossible to escape the hamster wheel—especially when the only strategies we tend to find are the traditional ones. But, here’s the good news: you can totally create structure while honoring your need for autonomy. Here’s how:
1. Reframe your routine to fit with your flow
No single day is the same, and neither is our energy each day. Instead of starting with punishing yourself through pressure like, “I must journal every morning at 6:30,” try “I like journaling most mornings before I start my day.”
Doing this allows you to create a menu of choices rather than a fixed schedule. Fixed schedules won’t accommodate your changing moods, energy levels, or even spontaneous plans. But creating a menu of choices lets you take a look at your day, figure out if you slept longer to build up your energy, and choose based on your needs for the day.
Remember: you’re not failing if you don’t follow the same pattern every day.
2. Use the “choice within a choice” method
Sometimes when I look at my time-blocked calendar, I get really overwhelmed because it looks like I’m so busy even if I have scheduled recuperative tasks to allow me to rest.
When I have those sorts of days, or weeks, I end up just breaking my day into loose chunks like morning, afternoon, evening or even based on the projects in your life like school, work, home. Then, list 3 – 4 tasks or activities that you can pick from.
The best part? You can keep it flexible! Maybe your morning self-care means have a shower or washing your face and dry shampoo.
3. Create inviting environments
This might sound counterintuitive, but setting up cozy corners for your different activities support you in doing the activity. By using visual cues that feel inspiring, like a study table in a corner with soft lighting and antique decor that just beckons you to sit and write. Or, a reading chair that’s just so comfortably big and right next to your favorite window with your book waiting for you to sit and pick up where you left off.
This also makes tasks feel like suggestions rather than demands on our nervous systems. For instance, I actually look forward to reading for my dissertation now because I have cozy spots where I do my work. Depending on my mood and needs, it’s either in a lowly-lit room with dark walls and moody decor—or it’s in the living room with loads of natural light and a comfortable sofa.
Either way, my nervous system gets the soothing environment it needs to engage with the task gently!
The game-changing takeaway
Here’s the most important thing to remember: Your need for autonomy is valid and valuable. The goal isn’t to override it but to respond to it. Success isn’t measured by how well you stick to a prescribed routine that doesn’t take your nervous system into account. It’s about how well you honor both your need for structure and your need for freedom.
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Remember: You’re not “too difficult” for routines—you just need a different approach. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Let’s navigate this journey together.
