Kenna FWhen we choose a gift for someone, we hope they will love it. We may imagine their excitement, what they’ll say, and imagine them using the gift. If we have certain expectations about how our loved ones will react, it can be disappointing when those expectations aren’t met. Reframing those expectations can help minimize that disappointment by recognizing that different people will show their excitement for a gift in various ways. Jaime A. Heidel, author of “What Did I Do Wrong?” helps us understand that our autistic loved ones will express their enjoyment of a gift differently than our non-autistic loved ones. By understanding these communication differences and having a conversation with your loved ones about gift-giving, you can make gift-giving a more enjoyable experience for everyone.
Contents
Communication Differences
Understanding how autistic and non-autistic individuals perceive each other’s emotions can help us approach gift-giving more effectively. Non-autistic people struggle to identify how autistic people are feeling, and autistic people struggle to identify how non-autistic people are feeling. This is called the double empathy problem, a concept coined by Milton (2012). In speaking about the double empathy problem, Milton et al. (2022) argue that when facing differences in communication, autistic and non-autistic individuals should focus on “a position of humility in the face of difference, the need to build rapport and understanding and not assume a lack of capacity for understanding” (p. 1902). This tells us that engaging your loved ones in discussions about different communication styles and their expectations about gift-giving can help families address the double-empathy problem head-on.
Reactions Around Gift-Giving
Often, there are certain expectations surrounding gifts. People who receive gifts may be expected to verbally express how much they love the gift, use an excited and appreciative tone, smile, and show enthusiastic body language. However, your autistic loved one may express their excitement in a different way. They may verbally share that they like the gift, but their tone and body language might not match neurotypical expectations for showing how excited they are. Without the subtext, such as tone and body language, you may think that your autistic loved one doesn’t actually like the gift.
Rather than looking for subtext, Jaime suggests that neurotypicals should “listen to the words…to take them literally and believe them…The best thing you can do with your autistic loved one is believe them” (24:35). So, when your autistic loved one says they like the gift you got them, please believe them. Their body language, facial expressions, and tone are not always good indicators of how they feel. It may be helpful to talk with your autistic loved ones about how they prefer to show their enjoyment of a gift. Taking steps to clarify your and your loved one’s expectations and wishes around gift-giving can help everyone enjoy gift-giving more.
Setting Expectations
Getting to know your autistic loved one better is a powerful way to ensure that the gifts you choose for them represent how much you care for and truly understand them. As Jaime mentions, disappointment about a gift often occurs when that gift demonstrates a lack of understanding and care in getting something your autistic loved one can actually use and will enjoy: “Where the disappointment comes from me is if I get something that’s like, say, a synthetic perfume or something like that; I can’t wear synthetic scents. I’m allergic to them…There are certain things that if you give me these gifts, I know you don’t really know me, and you don’t really care…it’s just performative…it’s not about, you know, ‘oh I’m disappointed you didn’t give me something of higher monetary value’…I could care less about that” (42:35).
Having a conversation with your loved ones can help you make sure that you choose gifts that would bring your autistic loved ones the most joy. It also gives you a chance to discuss how to create a gift-giving environment that is fun for everyone. Here are some questions you might talk about:
- What sensory issues do they experience? How may this impact which gifts they don’t want?
- Which sensory experiences do they seek out, and how could that apply to gifts? For example, are there specific scents or textures that bring them joy that you could look for?
- Do they have a special interest that is really important to them?
- How do they feel about receiving gifts? How do you feel about receiving gifts?
- How can you create an environment together that is going to make receiving gifts more fun?
- How can they show you that they like a gift in their own way?
This conversation can be revisited before any gift-giving time so that you and your loved ones can share any new preferences or changes that they would like to see in how you exchange gifts.
Conclusion
Creating space for you and your loved ones to feel heard and understood is a powerful tool that can bring you closer and demonstrate how much you care about each other. This can make gift-giving less stressful by helping you choose gifts that your loved ones will be able to use and enjoy. Also, you will gain a better understanding of how your loved ones prefer to show you that they appreciate a gift in a way that feels comfortable and authentic to them. By creating a space where everyone feels safe and accepted, we center our intention behind gift-giving: to show our loved ones that we care about them.
Citations
Sullivan, D. (Executive Producer). (2024, July 18). Understanding Autistic Communication with Jaime A. Heidel [Audio podcast episode]. In The Neurodiverging Podcast. Production company. https://open.spotify.com/episode/0IfG41SWmEyWafniXzfabR
Milton, D. (2012). On the Ontological Status of Autism: The “Double Empathy Problem.” Disability & Society, 27(6), 883–887.
Milton, D., Gurbuz, E., & Lopez, B. (2022). The “double empathy problem”: Ten years on. Autism: The International Journal of Research & Practice, 26(8), 1901–1903.
